Nakanoii: Takasagoyu, Nakano

God bless my faulty brain.  Just as I was feeling a little bit un-buzzed, I realised I had never in fact googled “nakano sentos”. Turns out there is a pretty decent bathhouse about a 4 minute walk from my apartment. Yesssssssss.

Takasagoyu is kind of a no-nonsense place, especially since the staff there are not exactly trying to win charmer-of-the-week awards.  So much so, that probably the only real redeemable feature is its location.  So, let’s go no-nonsense on this and hit the scoreboard:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE: Takasoguyu, Nakano
Features:	1 large bath combing the electric bath, the massage bath, and some basic leg and thigh jets; dry sauna (I have recently had my world busted by the recognition that what I thought was a gas sauna might be infrared saunas), mizuburo, rotemburo, small lounge.
Bath Heat/10	8 (41 degrees)
Sauna heat/10	8 (90)
Spatial aesthetic/5	1. This place was pretty cramped.
Water quality/5	1 (its a sento, you know?)
Variety of bath types/10	4
Quality of rotenburo /10	8. Higher than normal because,coming well, for an inner city bathhouse, I’m surprised it has a rotemburo. Actually, it’s got an almost homely vibe to it with a couple of pot plants above the water. And a great wall for staring  at.
Mizuburo/10	5. Yeah, it’s tiny as maybe .5 x .8 m, and I hate to wait twice. Brrrh.
Lighting /10	5 (Really nothing special. It aint no Pokapoka land that’s for sure)
Cost to value /5	1.Including the 400 yen tag for the sauna, you’re looking at 860. That’s a bit rich.
Accessibility /5	5. For obvious reasons, and it is open til 1230am (shut mondays)
Little extras /10	5. Did I mention the pot plants? Plus, I’ve seen some men do some pretty strange shit here. More on that in a separate post probably titled “I’ve seen some men do some pretty strange shit in Tokyo bathhouses”.
Overall feeling /10	8.
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	Geez I’m not liking the look of this. Let’s see: 59.

59 degrees. My God that’s quite frigid.
Still, I know I’ll be back.  Especially since the Nakano bathhouses seems to be doing some stamp collecting thing in November.

Takasagoyu, Nakano
〒164-0011 東京都中野区中央４丁目４９−２

Ph: 03-3380-4126
http://takasagoyu.jimdo.com/

Jurassic Onsen Churaumi no Yu, Okinawa Honto

I was told that there weren’t many onsens or sentos in Okinawa.
They weren’t wrong.
I was also told that 1650 yen is too much to spend on a bath.
So very wrong.

(That’s me at my most elegant.)

Quite simply, the onsen at Hotel Orion Motobu Resort and Spa is one tasty way to watch a sunset.  Dare I say it, this was one of my top 20 sunsets.  The onsen itself, bearing the name Jurassic Onsen Churaumi no Yu (due to the depth of the water and its proximity to the Aquarium), is quite small- 2 baths, a sauna and a mizuburo. It appealed to the minimalism in me, especially given that I had the whole place to myself for at least 1 hour.  I must have done at least 4 sweats here, during which time I think I recycled some old hatha yoga breathing exercises. Why the f not.

Also, I spent a while lying on that concrete to the right of the photo.  That was the knees of the bees.

Let’s taste the justice:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE: Jurassic Onsen Churaumi no Yu
Features:	2 large baths (one of which was an ‘undercover rotenburo’.  What this meant was basically that there as waist high window letting fresh air in), 90 degree sauna, and a mizuburo that was long enough for me to plank in.
Bath Heat/10	8 (38-40 degrees) But this is just right for an Okinawa summer.
Sauna heat/10	9 (two levels 90)
Spatial aesthetic/5	5
Water quality/5	2 (salt)
Variety of bath types/10	5
Quality of rotenburo /10	8. Tricky one: technically not a rotenburo, but that view…… and that fresh air…..I stood up at that window for some time.
Mizuburo/10	8
Lighting /10	9 (the sauna was spot on, and most other lights were pretty low)
Cost to value /5	3. 1650 for hotel guests, about 2000 for non-guests. The fact that I don’t consider this expensive testifies to how bad I wanted a soak after a 30 hour week of weeding farmland
Accessibility /5	2. Yeah, it’s a touch of  mission
Little extras /10	6.So the beach downstairs is open to the public.  For onsen users there’s a 1500 yen one hour nomihodai. But I also think just chilling round the hotel would reveal all kinds of treats.
Overall feeling /10	9.
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	74

74 degrees… that’s alright for a 2 bath onsen.

To get there, basically get to the Aquaraium. It’s very close. The Yanbaru express bus goes there, but that’s not very often. I hitched.

Hotel Orion Motobu Resort & Spa
〒905‐0207 沖縄県国頭郡 本部町備瀬148-1

Phone:0980-51-7300

http://www.okinawaresort-orion.com/

No neyu, no life: Maenohara Onsen Sayano Yudokoro, Itabashi

So this year I made about 104 New Year’s Resolutions.  Most of them, like ‘have 14 pairs of  underwear by April’ and ‘just sort it out’, were written in either jest or sincerity and as such were taken with a grain of salt.  “Spend less time at onsens” was also on the list and  surprisingly, this one has actually been adhered to.  It’s also been summer, so, you know…. As such, it’s time to stop fucking around and get back to business.  And with Sayano Yudokoro, there is a strong challenger to NIwanoyu as my favourite onsen in inner Tokyo.

Whilst it is a bit of a hop. skip and a jump to get there (I think it took me about 35 minutes from Nakano with 2-3 changes) Sayano ticks a loooot of boxes and has almost all of my favourite onsen features.  Salt  sauna, the buckets, the  neruyu lay down baths, super fluffy white mats in the dry sauna, what I have previously referred to ‘the watery thrones'( and I have since found out that they are called the suwariyu), jet spas….. let’s steal some pictures from Googlesensei shall we? Yes, let’s.

            

        

Well, that’s great. In classic onsen style, there are no photos of this onsen’s best baths on the net. Must have a good word to onsen owners some day about this.  In any case,just  take my word for it that the salt sauna has a vibe very similar to the scene in which Flash Gordon is sentenced to death by gas in the 1980s film of the same name.

(Just a reminder: the Suwariyyu sitting bath from Oedo)

Ok, these crepes won’t  cook themselves.  I’m gonna let the Scoreboard take care of the rest of this:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE: Maenohara Onsen Sayano Yudokoro
Features:	2 rotenburo, 2 ofuro, 5 massage jets, dry sauna, salt sauna, neyu/neruyu baths (6-7), the watery thrones/suwariyu , 3 bucket baths,   mizuburo, ganbanyoku, restaurant, sleeping rooms, rock gardens, tatami room for sleeping,
Bath Heat/10	8 (41)
Sauna heat/10	8 (three levels, 70-90)
Spatial aesthetic/5	4
Water quality/5	3 (salt)
Variety of bath types/10	10
Quality of rotenburo /10	8
Mizuburo/10	6 (a touch on the small side)
Lighting /10	9 (all lights were frosted and there are a helluva lot of windows)
Cost to value /5	5 (830 yen on weekdays, 1030 yen on weekends, extra for ganbanyoko, and extra 300 for more clothes.)
Accessibility /5	3 (it’s in a strange location from the centre, and about a 10 min walk from the nearest station. But it is open til 1am on almost every day of the year oooohhh yaaaar. )
Little extras /10	8.  The sleeping room was a touch small. The restaurant looks amazing, especially with the rock gardens, but alas, you can’t see the garden at   night due to intense inside reflection.  They should open their windows during spring.
Overall feeling /10	9.  It’s all about the puddles, be they vertical or horizontal.
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	82.

82 degrees…. yar,  it’s hot.  I’ll be back here for sure.

Maenohara Onsen Sayano Yudokoro, Itabashi
http://www.sayanoyudokoro.co.jp
Address: 〒174-0063 東京都板橋区前野町３−４１−１
TEL：03-5916-3826
8-minute walk from Exit A2 of Shimura-Sakaue Station

Just one fix: Gokurakuyu, Tama Centre.

No matter what I threw at Gokuraku on a warm, wet  night, I just couldn’t hit the spot.  Probably because I’d belted myself stupid three days earlier at Kenkou Lando.  I had myself submerged in the 18.6 degree plunge pool for over a minute, several times, but alas, I couldn’t get high.

It was all very much like this.

Gokuraku in Tama has all the classics.  A tower sauna with a big fuck off tv and some very snuggly floor mats.  A long plunge pool, a 41 degree rotenburo, another undercover rotenburo with another big fuck off tv in it, a variety of spa jets…  There was also a 40 degree mist sauna (the proper name eludes me) which smelt overwhelmingly like rosemary.  Foccacia yeah.  Heck, there was even an onsite barber.

But alas, I did not leave a happy man.  Goddamn serotonin.

I’ll tell you one thing though- I’ll probably be back soon, as it’s right next to my summer office.  And, unlike most onsens/sentos, they can sure as shit take some pretty pictures.

 

   

 

 

How succuluent I wonder:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Tower sauna, mist sauna avec rosemary, 3 rotenburos, very shallow neyu, mizuburo, 3 kinds of jet spa, electric bath, 2 more ofuros
Bath Heat/10	8 (hottest at just over 41)
Sauna heat/10	9 (90 degrees, gas)
Spatial aesthetic/5	3
Quality of Chit chat/5	0
Variety of bath types/10	8
Quality of rotenburo /10	8
Mizuburo/10	9 (great planker)
Lighting /10	7
Cost to value /5	4
Accessibility /5	4
Little extras /10	6
Overall feeling /10	6
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	72

If you ever find me dead at the bottom of a plunge pool, know that I died a happy man.  

PokaPoka Land: a sento, a red light and a feeling.

Here’s a rather sad little fact: I find it so hard to relax and do nothing (on dry land) for 8 hours that I will often go drinking just to get a hangover, thereby incapacitating myself for the following day. Not exactly a healthy habit. Truth be told, I’ve been over drinking for some time and had significantly reduced my consumption back in Australia.  Japan’s been making short work of that, what with the $20 all you can drink nomihodais and extremely cheap bottleshops.  So, hangovers….

I woke up this morning on Billy’s floor, still drunk and in more than a little bit of pain.  For the first time it actually felt like I had been sleeping on the floor:  concrete legs, slight nausea and mixed feelings (I had been visited by ‘one of those’ dream women again. You know the ones.  Those girls you’ve never met except for in your dreams.  Haunting, probably a composite of many different people,  impossible to remember after waking and invariably someone with whom you’re both in love. What a drag. Anyway….) So I knew what I had to do.  Adhering to my new personal philosophy of not trying to do more than 3 things in one day, and following my brother’s advice, I bunked the ‘get a bank account plan’, killed an hour or two buying a book and eating a Whopper Jnr (p.s the BK chips are crispier here with bits of potato skin left on), consulted my Tokyo Bathing google map (more later) and headed out to PokaPoka Land in Meguro.

I broke one my cardinal rules yesterday and left my house without my bathing bag. But that’s one of the lovely things about sentos: anything you need, you can buy  or hire there.  Soap, toothbrushes, wash cloths, towels, beer, icecreams, combs, bodywashes…. it’s pretty extensive.  So today I finally bought one of the wash cloths and boy wasn’t it a revelation.  The standard washcloth that most guys are using is made from the same spongey material that louffers are made from, but in a flat 50cm by 20cm  form.  This means that it’s extremely easy (and dare I say, quite, quite pleasurable) to wash your back in that classic ‘towel shimmy’ motion.    I probably haven’t mentioned how much I love showering here, so let’s take a quick tangent shall we? (Yes, we shall).

I love showering here so much. First of all, you’re sitting down on a tiny stool.  As Mr Burns would say, who doesn’t love a good sit?  I also love bucket showers (ala my time in west Africa), so put these two together and whammo- you’ve got one happy dude.  I discovered today that the faucet for filling the bucket to wash with, and the shower head, run on separate water systems. Now I can sense that I’m going to lose you here so let’s just say it means that I can shower and bucket at the same time.  This is one sure way to get very, very clean without wasting too much water (I’ll save my stories for sharing bath waters at home for another time).  Basically, if you want to know how showering here makes me feel, skip to the 40 second mark of this clip.

I was very content upon entering Pokapoka’s sauna, even if it is standard sauna fare. 90 degrees, small tv, the 12 minute clock. There were some cooking shows on tv, as there always is, and it seems that ‘television food critics’ really don’t know the meaning of the word overact.  I must say, and I never thoughts I’d say this, but I wish sumo, curling or baseball was on the tv in the sauna.  Or any old sport.  I don’t want to be actually paying attention to something that requires that much thinking.

The outdoor rotenburo was exactly like the one at the sento I went up to in Hatagaya, so maybe it’s not just the prices that are fixed to be the same everywhere. For a sento to have a rotenburo is no mean feat, and on an overcast, chilly day like today, it was just de-diddili-ightful.  No seating outside though, and no where to lie down…. but I’ll be damned if on a day like today I wasn’t going to lie down. So I moved onto into the changing room and planked on the central bench that is mainly reserved for … actually I don’t know what it’s reserved for.  I could tell that my behaviour wasn’t totally bow-worthy, but I think I’ll just wait for Tanaka to tell me off.  Needless to say, I was very, very comfortable.

Let’s talk jets.  PokaPoka had 7 baths with jets, but 3 kinds.  Before we get started, here is a nice picture of Poka Poka I found on the ol’ interweb.  I don’t quite understand the red lights, which isn’t to say I didn’t like them.

   (See under the circular window in the back: that’s the wet-throne that is the mizuburo plunge pool.)

 

First things first: these baths felt a lot hotter than the 40 degrees they claimed to be.  I also tried to take a photo of Pokapoka’s sign out the front, which names the different kinds of baths, but it didn’t really take.  Here is the photo I took upon spotting this lovely land:

   (you can hide but you can’t run)

In any case, the hot baths.  In the bottom left corner is a double barrelled shotgun of a bath, aimed squarely at your lower back. I also gave my rump a bit of a polish with this one, as I did my thighs.  Like I said, I had concrete legs.  I give the pressure a score of 8/10, where 10 is being blown away if you don’t hang onto the handlebars.  But the real humdinger of this scene was two baths across, in which I laid down and had two jets on my  calves, two on my hips and a mild one on my back.  And a red light.  That was proper rancho-relaxo my friends let me tell you.  The final bath-pair was very very mild, a soft bubbling. I believe it was called the dream bath: who needs phantasmic women from my subconscious when I have this joint?

Finally, because I think I deserve more treats, I gave the massage chair a go once I got dressed.  1o minutes for 200 yen: ever penny felt every pinch.  Squeezed calves, shoulders and did some pretty crazy things to my back.  It also gave my butt a good pummelling so I guess after that there was nothing else to do but head home.  Let’s see what the Succulence Board had to say about all this:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Sauna, rotenburo, mizuburo, massage chair, 3 types of jet spas, one plain ofuro
Bath Heat/10	8
Sauna quality/10	7 (90 degrees): a bit small
Spatial aesthetic/5	3
Quality of Chit chat/5	3 (there was a lot of chat going on, not that I was part of it)
Variety of bath types/10	7
Quality of rotenburo /10	5
Mizuburo/10	6
Lighting /10	7
Cost to value /5	3 (850 yen for sauna-set)
Accessibility /5	4 (5 minute walk from Gakugeidaigaku station on the Toyoko line)
Little extras /10	6
Overall feeling /10	8
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	67

I really like this place, so don’t let the 67 throw you.  The fella behind the counter seemed really sweet, it’s damned accessible, and it is called Poka Poka Land after all, which, depending on who you’re talking to, means wither Warm Land or the Land of being mildly pounded.  Both of which explain why it was my first thought upon waking.

Bradley Cooper and those Hangover boys could really learn a thing or two here.

PokaPoka Land Takaban no yu
2-2-1, Takaban, Meguro-ku, Tokyo
TEL:03-3713-1005
cross reference: http://www.sentoguide.info/bath/1039-takaban-no-yu

Oedo Take 1: Beauty on its back

I’m going to cut to the chase with this one.

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Men’s area: Sauna, steamroom, 3 rotenburo, 6 ofuro (inc. apple bath and collagen bath) 1 type of jet spa, mizuburoShared area: 6-8 rotenburo, one diet-sauna, one cave. Many restaurants, hotel rooms, sleeping room, manga corner etc etc.
Bath Heat/10	8
Sauna heat/10	8 (90 degrees)
Spatial aesthetic/5	3
Quality of Chit chat/5	4 (but I was with Hotcat)
Variety of bath types/10	9
Quality of rotenburo /10	7
Mizuburo/10	8
Lighting /10	9
Cost to value /5	4 (950 yen)
Accessibility /5	2
Little extras /10	9
Overall feeling /10	7
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	78

This place should be absolutely epic, scoring in the high 80s. But there are few things that bothered me whilst there. They have this amazing cold waterfall , right next to a large rotenburo in the mixed area. After standing under it for about 30 seconds, it came to my attention that there was a big sign next to it saying ‘do not enter the waterfall’. What a gip. Also, it’s a little bit vibeless in the general mixed area. The sense of space is kinda weird, and being able to see protruding street lamps near the fences is a constant reminder that you are in the ‘burbs. There just isn’t a good flow to the other baths, and although they have plenty of space, it feels kinda crammed. Finally, the corridors smell of bad feet, which we attributed to rotting jasmine, or something. Oh, and the shared sauna operated at 50 degrees.  I’ve learnt to appreciate these half-arsed saunas, but only when their steamier or bigger brother version is right next to it.

Having said all that, Hotcat and I spent ten hours here, and I’ll tell you why. They have a lovely sodium chloride outdoor bath in the mixed area with pergola and all. We chewed some fat there for sure (see below).

There is also this fantastic dome bath, operating at about 41 degrees (to my imagination), with a ledge that ran all the way around for lying in/on. Just like the aforementioned ‘puddle bath’ at Kikari. Like a wet tomb, not a bad place to pretend that you’re dead for 30 minutes or so. The men’s section featured a collagen rotenburo bath. Between its pinkish hue and the breezy day (Hotcat claimed it was Ichiharu, the windiest day that begins Spring), it made me feel like a right lady. I killed plenty of time in the tiled steamroom as well, but I’ll be damned if I know what that familiar smell actually was.

The resting room must get a particular mention- about 100 or so individual recliners with towel bedsheets and own tv sets. While Hotcat slept for an hour or so I watched some really tight sumo fights. Definition of bi-winning right there. Ate some pretty decent ramen, as well. Drank a fair amount of beer as well from the cafe right in the midst of the mixed section. There’s a shuttle bus to the nearest station, as well, whatever that hell it was (I wasn’t paying attention that day).

The other thing that caught my attention was the scene in the men’s section. I like entering these massive arenas of self-care, with men in various states of respite and semi-consciousness. Whilst bombing out in the apple bath, there was a panorama of relaxation in front of me. There were these wooden planks that were great for lying on, and these two burly fellas were on them. One, in a foetal position, the other, dead on hs back with a towel on his crotch. Both were not getting up anytime soon. Another lad was standing by the door, leaning over, not able to move on yet. I’m not a painter, but someone out there should be painting this shit. It’s very rare to find the male form beautiful and graceful (at least from where I’m sitting), but I dare say the onsen is a good place to start looking for it.

It’s also a nice feeling that I’m not the only one getting bombed here and that I’m not the only one thinking that lying in a puddle sounds like a damn fine way to spend an afternoon.

Oedo Onsen Chiba

〒 279-0013 Urayasu, Chiba Prefecture sunrise 7-3-12
http://www.ooedoonsen.jp/urayasu/index.html
1380 (with voucher)/1600.

I’m back, baby, I’m back

So, I moved to Japan. More about the later. Because time is soaking to a man like me.

Now I know that no one is actually reading this, so this more for my own peace of mind. But the Board of Bastu Justice just will not apply in Japan, so I whipped up this lil’ number, the meanings of which will become apparent pretty quickly. So, given that I intend to go to one sento (public bath) and one onsen (hot springs) a week, the narratives might be getting smaller and smaller. So, let’s dive in.

First up: Kirari Onsen, aka Mizoguchi Kiraku Hot Spring Village.

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Sauna, salt sauna, 2 rotenburo, three indoor ofuro, 3 types of jet spa, mizuburo, ganbanyoku, and ‘puddle’ that no one seems to have a term for; restaurant and sleeping area
Bath Heat/10	7. Hottest bath was 40 degrees.
Sauna heat/10	9 (90 degrees)
Spatial aesthetic/5	5
Quality of Chit chat/5	3 (very sociable scene at night on second visit)
Variety of bath types/10	8
Quality of rotenburo /10	8
Mizuburo/10	7
Lighting /10	9
Cost to value /5	4 (950 yen)
Accessibility /5	4
Little extras /10	9
Overall feeling /10	9
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	82

So when the lovely man with whose family I’m staying (we’ll call him Mr Wonderful from here on in) told me about Kirari, he described with great enthusiasm how one of the features of Kirari were these baths that you could lie down in, where the hot water was less than an inch thick. I told him it sounded amazing. He said it is. When I relayed this tale to someone back in Melbourne, the reply was met with a far less enthusiastic “so…. you’re lying in a puddle?” Oh but what a puddle!

You see, sure, this is a hot puddle, but it is divided with tiny walls so each person has their own little space. The son was shining that day with a great late winter crispness so after watching an innings or so baseball in the sauna, it was just the ticket. Here is the picture taken from Kirari’s own website:

I also had a crack at the ‘bedrock’ sauna, essentially a steam room/aromatherapy session whilst wearing a yukata. Nothing against yukatas, but wearing one whilst sweating profusely just doesn’t do it for me.

The place has some nice chairs outside, so the scene was all very “just a bunch of dudes hanging out in their birthday suits and enjoying the cool breeze”. If you can’t beat em, join em I guess. Having the rotenburos maintained at 36-38 degrees was a nice change of pace, because the saunas here are gas fired and are kinda kicking my ass. Needless to say I have been spending a lot of time submerged in the mizuburo (think was one was maintained at about 18 degrees) . This one was a little short so I couldn’t plank underwater (hence the lower rating).

The other thing that took me by surprise was the second sauna. So there I was, minding by own business in the deep brown rotenburo water (sodium bicarbonate, in “the hot bath of beauty”), looking at the map of the onsen. ‘Wait just one goddamned minute…. this map says there is a second sauna’. I popped back inside and found darn steamy lil room operating at about 60 degrees with a funny smell…. and a big bucket of salt. Game on. I scrubbed myself stupid with salt, which as far as I can tell serves as an exfoliant. I also gave the jet spas a quick blast, but it’s gonna take a special place to satisfy me as much as the jets at NAF Aquawellness centre (more on those later).

All in all, good times all round. Would be back there in a heartbeat if I didn’t have 20 other onsens on my back beggin’ for me body.

Kirari Onsen
http://www.yurakirari.com/kirari-net/mizonokuchi_top.html

〒213-0022 
神奈川県川崎市高津区千年１０６８−１
ph: 044-741-4126

…. Some words from my Saunamaster

So Lady J has just arrived in Estonia for her Masters in Wellness and Spa programme. I first met Lady J in Montreal when my interest in hotboxes was quite pedestrian. Even still, after all this time, her passion for all things heat and water related makes me look like a right tadpole.  She has regaled me with stories of aufguss internships in Germany, helping with homemade saunas in Canada and massages in Korea’s jimjilibangs, so I can only assume there are plenty more tales to come.

Luckily for all of us, she has finally started a blog.

http://relaxonthespot.wordpress.com/

Check it out.

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

 

247 degrees and the Water Got No Enemy Film List

So apparently ‘death by sauna‘ is a narrative device of such film and tv frequency that it warrants being called a trope. If that be the case, why do I struggle to reach 10 in my  ‘Top 10 films featuring saunas’ list? Nonetheless, this list drew my attention to a film called ‘247 degrees Fahrenheit‘, a poorly edited/scripted/acted….welll, just a poor horror film about three people trapped in a cabin-side sauna.  This then reminded me of a film  that I could barely remember the name of and had to a little bit of googling to recall: the Steam/Chaos Experiment with the rather tragic Val Kilmer.  Now that doozy was centred around subjecting would-be online daters to heat exhaustion as some obtuse point about global warming.  More importantly, it was set in a hammam and we all know that hammams really struggle to get above 60 degrees, so I was looking forward to some proper heat in 247.

Unfortunately, this film just doesn’t cut the mustard. The sauna in the film is quite nice, but the wood panelling looks like something I would use to make a park bench for birds to shit on. The characters are only mildly annoying, and the sauna chat is rather limited, as the second act spends too much time on establishing a fracturing relationship between a couple rather than focussing on 110 degree conversations. The stove is apparently gas fired, which is something I have never heard of, although there is an impressive amount of rocks available. There weren’t even any sexy times… what kind of horror film doesn’t set up sexual activity as a precursor for punishment? (OK there was some screwing alluded to upstairs, but c’maaaan….)

And that’s just the problem right there, let me tell you my friends. Contrary to what the interweb is telling me, this ain’t no horror film. The characters  barely go through any significant pain or exhaustion, no heart problems, no dizzy spells, no near-fainting…. none of the good shit. Heck, the characters don’t even look like they’re sweating. If I was to make a horror film about saunas, you’d better believe there would be all manner of deep wombal pounding bass, sound production by Angelo Badalamenti, long drawn out zooms on beads of sweat rollin down people’s shoulders and lot of hunching over. Oh wait, that’d be my love film about saunas. My horror film would probably just feature the typical Australian sauna where everyone keeps leaving the door open. Good thing that Sauna does the horror genre proud by taking saunas back to their historical roots and scaring the living fuck out of us with the pure power of a post-war sweatbox (see below).

247 spends a little bit of time establishing the Uncle as a potential villain, his offering of the cabin, moonshine and good time party vibes positioned as some kind of nectar before the trap. So I was eagerly anticipating some sheer sauna terrorising. But no, the villain of this film is a whining, bumbling drunk who locks his friends in the sauna by accidentally knocking a ladder in front of the sauna door. Instead, the Uncle is just genuinely an awesome dude who likes to sweat and set off fireworks. What a champion. We need to have more of this kind of guy on screens and in our lives. What we need less of is half-baked polemics against the dangers of drinking and sweating, but seeing as I can’t really see this sub-genre taking off, I’ll allow it this just once.

This did, however, get me thinking about my top 10 films about saunas. In this tragic state of affairs, I could barely get past 5. So what we have instead is Bastu Bennett’s “Water Got No Enemy” Top 10 films featuring water as a solvent for existential crises:

THE WATER GOT NO ENEMY LIST:

Sauna

After watching people die in 16th Century Finland, sometimes you just need a good sweat, and the best saunas are often in swamps in areas that can’t be declared part of one country or another. Nothing could go wrong.

Misteun Vouro/Steam of Life

Who doesn’t like to see a plethora of fat Finnish men crying whilst splashing water on the rocks and trying to get over life’s insurmountable hurdles? Highlights of this film include many ‘makeshift’ saunas and bodies really of all shapes and sizes.

Eastern Promises

If you don’t want to see Viggo Mortenson in a New York hammam killing a bunch of hired goons in self-defence, then quite frankly there is something wrong with you.

The Swimmer

A film about a man deciding to travel home from an afternoon party by swimming home in every backyard pool along the way, you say? This film is more me than anything else in this world. That is all.

Silent Souls

This is the pure poetry of water and I should be so lucky as to be lovingly bathed in vodka by a lover when I die.

Altered States

Because we all need hardcore hallucinogens when we’re taking a quick dip in an isolation tank and trying to break pyschosomatic boundaries.

Hot Tub Time Machine

My troubles would be over with this invention, so if I get to fantasize about this AND watch the beady eyes and comic timing of John Cusask at the same time, then all the better.

Wall Street

I believe this is film from which I got the idea into my head that real men sort business out in hot sweaty wood panelled rooms.

The Graduate

Because sometimes when life is too much, you just whack on a scuba set and go hang out at the bottom of your pool.

Big River Man

If you’re not getting drunk and swimming up the world’s biggest rivers, are you really a man?

No, you;re not.

I know my friend Bigdog would be upset is I didn’t mention Once Upon a Time in Anatolia.  There is meant to be a bitchin’ hammam scene in that, but seeing as I had taken a 2 hour sweat before setting down at 11:00p.m to watch this lengthy and soporific murder mystery, I wouldn’t know: I passed out 15 minutes into the film.    You’ll also realise that some of these films feature water/saunas only for a matter of minutes, but until saunas start becoming a common setting for Romantic Comedies (possibly featuring Danny De Vito- just picture the hair!- and titles like “Love on the Rocks” and “‘You’ve Got Sweat”) we’ll have to settle for these.

Just two and a half dudes abusing their privileges: Spagate 2013

I have learnt a few things in my time, but one of them is not being subtle in my excitement in finding out that a friend lives in an apartment block that has its own sauna and spa.  Instead of being more like “Oh, that’s interesting, you have a sauna in your building”, I am more “Ohhhhhhh buuuddy I’m gonna be at your house ev-er-y night and ev-er-y day”.  So much so that my friends now know that, should they ever move into a place with its own sweatbox, never, ever, tell me.

Nonetheless, one morning I was able to convince my good buddy Spalap, the finest stallion in the 3065 area,  that we go for a sweat and a soak after smashing some breakfast burritos.  We had ourselves a grand ol soak, accidentally staying in the spa for about 4 hours.  We even had a bit of sweat. And we made a plan to come back in the following week armed with some serious rum concoctions.  Strangely, this plan came into fruition exactly one week later and, as far as I can tell, the spa area is still closed down as a result:  Spalap is too scared to go back to the scene of the crime.

On this fortuitous day, the weather wasn’t even that good.  But that wasn’t going to stop Spalap and his filly from putting their newly purchased flasks to use.  Limes, giner ale and apples were puchased, good intentions were made and we set the rest of afternoon aside to liberating two bottles of rum.  So we made our way down to the spa and got mighty comfortable.

I have said before that spas are not my area of expertise, but I’ll say this about his tub: it has good jets, powerful but not the point of making your back itch.  The temperature was possibly on the wrong side of warm, but that’s coming from someone that likes to be scolded.  As with most public spas, this one operated on a timer and the buttons (about 5 metres outside the spa) needed to be pressed every 8 or so minutes.  To settle this matter, Spalap and I duked it out in out in double fisting games of rock paper scissors (Mrs. Spalap quickly excused herself from these proceedings).  Now Spalap may make a damn fine cocktail. but he sure does suck at this game.  It was a good thing for him I like to do the ol’ hot and cold treatment and to grab fresh air in between soaks, cause otherwise I do not think I would have had to leave the water that day.  Next to the spa is a 20 metre lap pool. refreshingly cold and paved in that dark blue tiling that somehow always make me feel like I’m ‘just slipping into something a bit more comfortable’.  I should also mention that the spa is in the central courtyard of his apartment block, making our shenanigans visible from all the surrounding balconies.

Finally, after about 15 or so rounds of bubbles, I convinced them to head down to the sauna.  Unfortunately, this meant leaving the spa and pool area, swiping our way through many security doors, walking down 2 flights of stairs and passing through the gym area.  Listen, it’s not ideal but I’ll be damned if I’d let a wee walk ruin my day.  The sauna is electric, needs a bit of pre-heating (I believe I offered to do this after Spalap overconfidently backed ‘rock’ for the 50th time) and is a 2 levelled sauna of a 1.5 x 2 m area (I used my cock to measure it  (;{)  It’s tiny (the sauna) but it certainly does the job (again, the sauna) but no one else has ever been seen down there (my penis, this time).

Ok well that’s enough of that innuendo.  Let’s get back to business. Here is a photo of said sauna, with the flash ruining the lighting in what is otherwise a quite shocking crime scene.

Yeah, this sauna is a tight little number. Probably due to its size, it can pack a fair bit of heat.  It even comes with a wooden bucket and ladle.  Spalap didn’t believe me when I said that throwing the water on the walls has the same effect as putting it on the rocks and, quite frankly, neither do I.  Not that it stopped us from doing so.  Mrs Spalap sat on the floor for quite some time during this sweat, possibly pretending to be the voice of reason.  Provided that you turn the tv off in the gym, the ambience of the joint is not too bad at all.  The management kindly asks you to dry yourself off before entering and leaving the gym area, but they should have thought about that before they made it an odyssey to get down here from the spa.

We headed back to the apartment, topped up our refreshments and continued with the good time vibes.  Sure enough, things became a little bit blurry.  At some point past sundown, Mrs Spalap’s earring was reported missing in the lap pool. Using my dutch courage I spent about 20 minutes scouring the bottom of the pool looking for it,  but to no avail.  There may have even been a breathholding lap competition.  We did not have any other tenants visit us during our time in the spa and quite frankly I don’t blame them.  There would have been all manner of lurching and half-in-half out bathing.  I presume this was around the time when Lady Spalap gave birth to an absolute beauty of a bruise on her thigh.  At some point we had to move onto Little Creatures ale and this is where one of us “went reverse” onto the nearby pavement.  Since no food had been eaten in the last 6 or so hours, it was all liquid, essentially straight alcohol.  But I do believe this might have had something to do with the fact that at 10am the next morning, when I popped out for a quick early morning lap, the entire area was shutdown.  I couldn’t see any biohazard signs out, so I put it down to some kind of mandatory cleaning.

But this area remained shut for more than a few days, thus beginning the controversy of Spagate.  Maybe it was the wee bit of puke, maybe it was earring blocking the filter, maybe it was the giant turd that Spalap parked in the corner. Ok, one of those is untrue, but for now, we’ll have to accept the mystery.  Which is also what you will have to do about this sauna’s whereabouts, as Spalap has kindly asked me to put his address up for hobos and nutjobs alike to take advantage of. But I will say it’s in Fitzroy, which takes ‘sweatboxes on or near Johnson Street’  up to a grand total of 3.’

I’m a man of words, for better or worse. But Spalap might have provided a more accurate rendition of events:

Shall we see what the Board says? Come on, let’s have a peek.

The Heat/15	11
Spatial aesthetic/5	4
Quality of Chit chat/10	9
Ability and efficacy of water on rocks /10	7
Quality of fresh air access /10	7
Cool down/10	7
Lighting /10	8
Cost to value /5	5
Accessibility /5	5
Little extras /10	9
Overall feeling /10	8
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	80

Well that is weird.  Spagate made the hot list. I’ll be jiggered.  I know I said I would stop including the presence of friends in the chitchat quotient, but seeing as Spalap would always be present at this sauna, it seems unfair not to reference the top notch company.

Having said that Spalap would always be present when visiting Spagate, I am still busting his equine balls about giving me one of his swipe passes for about 50 clams a month so that I can have cart-blanche here.  Naturally he is reluctant as all hell, but I am a pretty persistent and obsessive fellow (in case you hadn’t got that vibe), so, we’ll see, huh?

Spagate Spa and Sauna

Somewhere in Fitzroy
Just follow the wet footprints.