I’ll always be ready to be jelly: Spa LaQua, Tokyo Dome.

At 2 pm on Thursday the 4th of September, I noticed a certain level of tension, nay, almost aggression, in my dealings with everyday things.   My purpose is not reason why, but rather to do and lie.  Some 9 hours later, I was floating homeward like a jellyfish in an overcrowded fish tank.  That is to say, I was politely bumbling and bouncing my way through the train station amongst a flurry of half-cut and overworked Tokyoites in their rush to catch one of the last trains home.  All was well, as it often as.  I had the highly esteemed Spa Laqua to thank for it.   To be honest, I wasn’t that overwhelmed by Laqua after my visit.  It’s a touch expensive at 2600 yen (3150 if you enter the healing zone), but after visiting Asakusa Rox for  the same price a week later, I kinda realised that actually it’s a damn fine way to blow a cool 3G.

For starters, it has arguably the best collection of saunas in town.  There are 3: the first is a dark-mountain cabin-like sauna, maintained at 100 degrees, electric, no tv, but with camping paraphernalia in it.  It’s very quiet and extremely relaxing.  The second sauna is a standard 90 degree tower sauna which happened to be playing some fantastic cooking shows on this particular day.  The final sauna was kept at 80 degrees and had the occasional aufguss session in it.  I’m not going to lie: I did 7 sauna sessions on this particular day and I think that might actually be a new personal record.

To boot, the mizuburo is centrally located between these three saunas, has a spiral staircase and is more of a standing style mizuburo.  I spent many a minute leaning on the wall here and watching the aforementioned cooking shows.  Happy days.

Unfortunately, the rotenburo and ofuro sections of LaQua left me wanting.  It is at this point that I should mention what is immediately obvious before entering LaQua: it is situated smack bang in the middle of Tokyo Dome, right next to a roller coaster.  What this means is you are subject to screech and screams of the rollercoatser at various points in the LaQua experience.  I would be lying if I said that this doesn’t detract from the rotenburo experience, which itself does not have that great a view over this part of Tokyo.  What is perhaps even stranger is that one can both feel and hear the roller coaster from within the silent healing zone 40 degree rooms.  It’s an odd combination.  However, if one goes outside to the ‘viewing platform’ (whilst wearing a yutaka), it is somewhat amusing to be totally chilled, reclining on some nice chairs, whilst watching people plummet on this jet coaster.  It seems like a strange place to build an onsen but I’m sure the money in their bank says otherwise.

The healing zone, with 5 or soganbanyoku, is a real treat and something of a departure for me.  So I’ve never really have much time for the ganbanyoku- these rooms maintained at about 40-50 degrees, sometimes humid, sometimes with various essential oils being heated and dispensed through the room while you lie on mix of heated slabs of granite or smaller rocks.  I dislike them for one simple reason- you have to wear clothing, most often a yutaka, while doing so.  Even though you are given a large towel, you can not be naked in here.  Whether this is due to hygiene or due to the belief that ganbanyoku rooms should always be mixed gender, I don’t know.  But I spend enough time in summer sweating in my business clothes, and to be honest I find the whole experience kind of gross.  Even if the lighting is really ace.  Having said that, LaQua also has a slightly refrigerated room in which one can watch a variety of jellyfish floating about.  Now that’s  chillaxing.  The healing zone also has provides some very well-designed tiki-style sitting areas, which would be perfect for a mid-onsen date,  of which there seemed to be quite a few happening that day.  Remarkably, beer is not served in the healing zone, which, I must admit, is something of a departure from the norm.  I can’t recall another time or place where beer wasn’t served.  I’m kinda surpised we don’t serve it during class sometimes.

Beer IS available in the restaurant area, albeit  it is perhaps slightly overpriced and must be drunk under some less than relaxing lighting.  The rest area though is positively massive: this features many a reclining couch in areas both with and without tv sets.  Games and book are also offered for your entertainment. I considered pulling an all-nighter here (an extra 1500) and I dare say one could easily pull a 12 hour shift here.  But, after 5 or so hours, I had had enough.

Let’s check it on the board:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	3 Saunas, standing mizuboro, 2 types of jet spa, 2 small rotenburo,  3-4  ofuro of good quality water at 40 degrees, massive rest area, a few restaurants, observation deck of Tokyo Dome, extensive massage services etc.
Bath Heat/10	7 (40)
Sauna heat/10	10
Spatial aesthetic/5	3
Quality of Chit chat/5	3 (due to the potential in healing zone)
Variety of bath types/10	6 (The ofuro were pretty basic)
Quality of rotenburo /10	6
Mizuburo/10	8
Lighting /10	7
Cost to value /5	3 (2600 for basic entry, another 500 or so for the healing zone. But no neyu, minimal jacuzi, and an average rotenburo means a less cost-satisfaction ratio)
Accessibility /5	3 (2min walk from the station, but when I am ever near this station? )
Little extras /10	7.  Pretty sweet little drinking fountain, awesome rest area, and 3 saunas has gotta count for something.  Also, the don quixote nearby as a killer selection of beers
Overall feeling /10	7
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	70

70 degrees. That figures.  Let me put it this way: I would go to LaQua for one of 5 possible reasons:
1.  Niwanoyu was closed.
2. I couldn’t be bothered taking the party all the way to Oedo Onsen in Chiba.
3. I missed the last train home in a  nearby area.
4.  I had been going to Soshigaya Onsen 21 too much and needed a break.
5. I wanted to have a little bath here and there, but mainly I would go there to have a play date with some fellas or a lady.

And that’s that.

Spa LaQua

1-1-1 Kasuga

Bunkyo, Tokyo 112-0003

Nearest station: Korakuen
+81 3-3817-4173

http://www.laqua.jp/spa

Less Foie Gras, More Faux Pas: Hagoromoyu, Shibuya Ward.

Ever since those Friday afternoon sessions of Duck Duck Goose in the second grade, I have always loved a wild goose chase. As I have grown older and possibly wiser,  I have become an even bigger fan of the ‘it’s not the destination, it’s the journey’ kind of escapades, if only because I have both a love of and natural talent for getting lost. Still, I know it’s important to have your eyes well and truly on the prize.  Which brings us to the elusive prize of Hagoromoyu, which somehow still retains the title of the closest sento that I know of to Shinjuku Station.

Let me give you a little bit of history: some time ago, whilst I was having a very staggered conversation with a very friendly man in a very bitchin sento near Yoyogi-Uehara (Daikokuyu, thank you I.K) I was informed of a sento that had a salt sauna and water that was “like black oil”. This was about March 2014, at a time when I knew not of either of this things. Not only that, but this place was recommended after I had asked for the best sento that was close to Shinjuku station.  So, I made a good point of noting down its name and setting Google Sensei to work.  Some time later, after a week of training for an eikaiwa converstaion school and a few more pints with fellow teachers. I endeavoured to find this hallowed establishment.  This was done without the knowledge that Google maps GPS systems works without an internet connection, so I was using Maps as if a stagnant paper map. The quest from station to sento took approximately half an hour, crossed at least one park, involved at least two u-turns and finally, upon recognising the almighty ゆ sign as the marker of all things hot and wet, my excitement was immediately quashed with the recognition that Hagoromoyu was obviously closed.  At this point I vowed never to go sento hunting without a prior phone call to establish some basic facts.  If only I hadn’t abandoned this edict somewhere along the way.

About 6 months later, after what can only be described as ‘the kind of ball busting week that most other Japanese salarymen would probably look down upon as a walk in the park’ (my life is only occasionally tiring), I decided to go chasing geese again. Without a proper maps system again (dead battery).  From the western suburbs.　　Made sense. But, nonetheless, after a couple of wrong turns, I still found that same ゆ sign within about 30 minutes of leaving Shinjuku Station.  And I was just as rapt to have found it.  I quickly dealt with all the usual protocol (shoes, keys, money, locker, naked) and got my sorry ass into the sento.

One of the first things I noticed about this joint, aside from the fact that all the bathing took place on the second floor, was that it seemed particularly busy for a Wednesday night at 9pm.  Most of the baths seemed as if they only had room for one more person in them. Still, I had that sensation of trying to figure out what was what, so I took myself to task, and saw a sliding door up some stairs, behind which all I could see were some feet.  I assumed that this was going to be a steam room or 40 degree sauna.  Upon entering the room, I was met with four or five expressions of mild shock.  I put this less to the fact that I was a foreigner but that I was clearly not holding a packet of cigarettes and had just entered the smoking room. Since when did bathhouses have smoking rooms in them?  So I kept to my act, took a reclining seat in the back row and watched some really shitty tv, indulged in some passive smoking, enjoyed the cool breeze of the air conditioner and subsequently got the fuck outta there.

With this oddity behind me I decided to have a peep around, and very quickly the penny dropped.  The sauna was just a regular sauna and there was none of the black Tokyo water to be found.  As my mother was often fond of saying in the early to mid-90s “shit.fuck.shit”.  This was not the place that my Uehara bather was talking about.  Oh well, move along, move along.  I got down to business in any case, belted myself stupid in the gas-heated sauna and truly got my eyes rolling after a solid one minute underwater plunge in what was possibly the smallest mizuburo I have ever been in.  There was next to no room to lay down in at this place so things go a bit awkward at one point, in the sense that I didn’t know where the hell I should have sat down.  Eventually I decided to mellow out in the bathing area.    I decided to get my hope up again and ventured behind mystery door #2, but, alas, it just revealed an equally tiny rotenburo of an equally overpopulated nature.  To be honest, it’s actually very rare for one to feel crowded at an onsen or a sento in Tokyo, but this was, after all, in west Shinjuku, the heathing belly of the megalopitan beast and, as far as I can tell, the closest bathouse to the busiest train station in the world (although I’m hoping I am wrong in this assessment of proximity).

I was pretty keen not to miss the least train home, so I bailed on this joint before I had properly spent my time there.  The vibe was still going strong as I left, but as I was towelling up and letting the fan dry me, I went searching for Q-tips (cotton buds).  Q-tips, where were the Q-tips? And I thought “Does this place really not have Q-tips” I could handle the fact that I got my wires crossed about the special features of this bathhouse, I could handle all the misdirections and misadventures… heck, I could even handle the absence of a place to lie down. But leaving a hotbox without cleaning my ears? That’s just bullshit and a Japan first for me.  So, on that note, let’s see what the Board says:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Sauna, mizuboro, denkiburo, small rotenburo, smoking room, about 3 ofuro at 42 degrees
Bath Heat/10	8 (42)
Sauna heat/10	7 (gas,90 degrees, but felt cooler)
Spatial aesthetic/5	2
Quality of Chit chat/5	3
Variety of bath types/10	4
Quality of rotenburo /10	5
Mizuburo/10	6
Lighting /10	7
Cost to value /5	3 (standard 460, but with sauna cost 1000)
Accessibility /5	3 (30min walk west from shinjuku station, but Nishishinjuku station is probably closer)
Little extras /10	4 (novelty of a smoking room, but, seriously now, where the f&%k are the Q-tips???)
Overall feeling /10	6
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	58

58 degrees. That’s seriously tepid.  Still, if in a jam, I would go back there.HAGOROMOYU
3-24-20, Honmachi, Shibuya-ku, Tokyo
03-3372-4118
Business hours from 14:00 to 25:30
(business from 13:00 on Sunday)
Regular holiday Friday

Takao no Yu: Go get Floppy

I’m going to keep this review even briefer than the last.

If you’re going to walk up Mt Takao, there are two things you might want to look into. The first is the shrine and accompanying monks that have an acsetic waterfall practice.  I need to research this some more.  The second is to go to the nearest sento/onsen  (hmmmm…..) at Takao Station, bearing the rather unusual name of “Floppy”.   Whilst Floppy is  a very functional bathing experience, I must say I look forward to the 2015 completion of  a new onsen near Mt Takao itself.

I’m in no mood for words. Let’s allow the Scoreboard to do the talking.

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Tower sauna, 1 rotenburo, lying down massage jets, steam room, mizuburo, about 3 other ofuro, relaxation room.
Bath Heat/10	7 (hottest was 40.6 degrees)
Sauna heat/10	6 (90 degrees, gas and with a very loud tv showing, in this case, some very boring tv)
Spatial aesthetic/5	3
Quality of Chit chat/5	0
Variety of bath types/10	6 (there was no good water to speak of)
Quality of rotenburo /10	6
Mizuburo/10	8 (was massive and as about 16 degrees)
Lighting /10	8 (had  a glass dome roof which allowed for the watching of the rain)
Cost to value /5	3 (we hit it for 2 hours for 800 yen)
Accessibility /5	4 (in so far as your near Mt Takao. They also have a shuttle bus that leaves from Takao station every 30 minutes)
Little extras /10	7 (they had the wooden planks outside, the steam room smelt nice, one of the baths had a tiny overflow waterfall which was very pleasant to sit under)
Overall feeling /10	7
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	65

 

Yeah, 65 degrees. That figures.

Photos from the wesbite really suck, so, you know….

Takao no Yu Floppy

http://furoppy.co.jp/topics_list7/

Hachioji, Tokyo Hazama-cho 1466-1
TEL:042-665-4126 Fax :042-665-4130

Niwanoyu: Bathing for beginners

Okie dokie. I’m gonnna to keep this as short and as unpoetic as possible.

Niwano yu (aka Tohimaen Garden) is extremely functional.  It is one of the few spas (some people I have talked to have been averse to using the term onsen) in Tokyo to allow couples to bathe together, albeit with bathers.  Located near Nerima, it’s remarkable easy to get to.  The eponymous garden is something of a delight, with ample green cover, tables for lunches and a good place for Hotcat and I to smash a beer in the shade.  There is a waterfall which, whilst sounding nice, is a bit of a tease, in so far as you are not allowed to stand under it.  In the mixed bathing area, there are 2 rotenburos, a rather large sauna, a badenzone/therme styled bathing area (with a massage spa journey, as the jets get lower on your body as you moved around the different stations),  a rope-and bucket pulley-powered bucket rinse and another steamroom.  The seperate mens’ and womens’ sections also feature 3 bucket baths facing another garden, a Turkish-themed steamroom, smaller sauna and a couple of other ofuros.

Special mentions must go the aufguss/towel waving sessions that happen every couple of hours in the saunas.  Indeed it was quite a spectacle to be sitting in an entirely rammed sauna with 40 Tanakas heaving and aaahhing like a bunch of regular school girls. And begging for more iceblocks to suck on inbetween sessions.

Inside the therme section there is also a spa with foot jets so powerful that you can stand on top of them and float.  A lof of people were also eating icecream that day, let me tell you.

 

 

They have heaps of massage treatements, but that’s just for the gals don’t you know? And there are so many ugly koi/carp swimming around in the garden.

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Mixed section (bathers): Tower sauna with a 5 min aufguss session every 2-3 hours, badenzone with jet spa journey, 2 rotenburos, garden Seperate section: bucket baths,4 ofuros in seperate sex section, sauna, steamroom Sleeping rooms, massages, restaurant etc etc
Bath Heat/10	7
Sauna heat/10	9 (90 degrees, and electric)
Spatial aesthetic/5	4
Quality of Chit chat/5	4 (was with Hotcat)
Variety of bath types/10	7
Quality of rotenburo /10	6
Mizuburo/10	7
Lighting /10	7
Cost to value /5	3 (around 1900 I believe)
Accessibility /5	3 (it’s Nerima and it’s not too far from the station)
Little extras /10	9 (at this point I’ll take what I can get for mixed bathing.  And, strangely, the garden really impressed me).
Overall feeling /10	8
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	74

 

Yep, for your fresh faced bathers or parents who refuse to go in the duff, this might not be a bad place to start.

 

Niwanoyu.Toshimaen Garden

http://www.niwanoyu.jp/index.html

Yu Toshimaen garden” Nerima-ku, Tokyo 3-25-1 Mukaiyama 
:03 -3990 -4126 

Got me a new castle: Nagayama kenkou rando Taketorino yu, Nagayama, Tama City.

Rainy season is upon us, which means that it’s time to go lie outside the sauna and get a sprinklin’.  So I’ll be brief.    For some reason, I didn’t expect much from the onsen which is now my local (since moving to Tama). Which is a bit odd, considering that it charges 1900 yen.  6 hours after soaking away my Mondayitis, I was left with this sentiment.  I think it says it all.

Mad in My Castle on a Monday

What a way to sit
Whoever sat like this?
Is this even sitting?
With folded legs  and crossed arms underneath one’s crown
laying back on a circular alter in the middle of an otherwise oceanic bath
surrounded by the likes of bodies you’ve rarely seen before
in simmering and electric waters
forever in a state of abdication.

A mad king turns the warmest of puddles into a royal immersion.

And if there be no puddle, then by george

he makes one.

For a mad king,in truth, needs no throne

nor royal chambers,

but merely some wet hard ground on which to lay

and supplant himself before everyone and no one.

His heart beats for no other, nor for no thought:

for counting heartbeats is like taking account

of all the lucky stars that is the universe known as yu

 

Or, to put it another way, there’s this.

   

This photo must be from the woman’s section. There is an alter in front of Fujisan painting in the men’s.

These neyu-like baths are pretty sweet.  Slight curvature so that about 60% of the body is under the water when laying down.

Spiced baths, baby.

 

But let’s check out the succulence:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Tower sauna with a 5 min aufguss session every 3 hours, very strange curved half submerged neyus, spiced water rotenburo, many many places to lie down, tv room, a shitload of bedbrock saunas (extra), karaoke room, sleeping room, 3 more ofuros
Bath Heat/10	8
Sauna heat/10	9 (90 degrees, and electric)
Spatial aesthetic/5	5
Quality of Chit chat/5	0
Variety of bath types/10	8
Quality of rotenburo /10	7
Mizuburo/10	9
Lighting /10	7
Cost to value /5	3
Accessibility /5	5 (it’s open 24 hours at my local train station)
Little extras /10	9 (nice yukatas, got wifi, have the doctor fish for your feet should you be keen).And that clove/cinnamon water… like sitting in a bath of chai.  But I’m afraid it’s only for a limited time. oh, and a very sweet painting of Fujisan (I assume). I could practically hear the ducks.
Overall feeling /10	9
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	78

Hmmm…. I’m beginning to wonder if I should take “chit chat’ out as a factor.  That’s one element here that kinda bums me a little.  The onsen experience, as opposed to the sento, just doesn’t seem like a communal experience.And you read right: an aufguss session. Two dudes using big plastic fans to push heat wave sin our face. Never thought I’d be so excited about an electric sauna either. The gas ones still do me head in a bit.Here, have a walking tour video.

永山健康ランド　竹取の湯

Nagayama kenkou rando Taketorino yu
042-337-1126
東京都多摩市永山1-3-4
http://www.taketorinoyu.com/index.html

Up the duff when it’s hot enough: Gionyu, Nakahara Ward, Kawasaki.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again:

I love yu.

 

Almost more importantly, I love it when I’m bumming around a local area and I find a big ol’ sign with my favourite hiragana on it, promising me that good times and great classic hits await behind some shoe lockers and a couple of blue curtains.  Case in point: Gionyu.

Sure, I could be a little upset that, after living near Motosumiyoshi for 2 months, this has only come to my attention now, but how upset can one really be after one has been informed that behind this bright blue sign lay several baths that begin at 44 degrees?   To boot, the kind manager alerted me to the sento’s wesbite and Kawasaki’s more general collection of sento wesbites. What a guy.  I vowed to return about a week later…. vowing to return to a sento: there’s a promise I have little trouble keeping.

Upon return, I got straight down to business.  I had been told that there was no sauna, no mizuburo, no rotenburo…. and yet, I love this place. Why you ask? Because of a little something they like to call the ‘air carillion’.  I didn’t know what this was. All I could see was a sign with a whole bunch of undecipherable kanji and a mirrored sliding door which no one was really venturing beyond.   Ah the excitement of entering a mysterious door.  Could be a karaoke joint, could be a girly bar, could be a toilet.  Everybody wins.

As it turns out, the air carillion contained a solitary plastic chair, a whopping 48 degree bath and a very pleasant level of humidity.  How quite literally awesome.  A a seasoned soaker I know better than to test the water with the most fleshless and thus most sensitive part of the body, the feet (although a lass I recently met says that I have the feet of a pregnant woman).  I put in all my chips and sat in the bath up to my hips.

Ah, 48 degrees.  Your troubles will melt away as will probably a nipple or two. Indeed I had to breathe like a pregnant woman so maybe that lass is onto something.  Very hard to think about anything else in such a bath.  The ever so slight bubbles may or may not have made things easier.  Matter of fact, what normally turfs me out of the surf at such temperatures isn’t the feeling on my legs, feet, chest or otherwise.  It’s the overwhelming feeling of heat surrounding my ears.  For sure I will be returning here one more time, so I’ll see if a wet towel on the head makes much difference.  Sitting on the chair, reading my book, interrupted by the occasional other masochist (NB: they didn’t stay for much longer than 5 minutes either)…..  it’s  damn fine way to reboot for the last day of the working week.  Or, continuing the theme, not a bad place for a rebirth.  Pregnant with a new sense of self.  That’ll do it.

Otherwise, the sento is business as usual, but with more tickled pink flesh than usual.  At over 50 years old, I dare say the sento has its shit sorted,  Couple of basic jets, several cold showers, a few naked dudes sitting on towels in front of a rotating fan having their balls and bodies dried alike.  A couple of posters of Thermae Roman as well (which I have started watching today).  Reasonable lounge out the front.  I suspect the board will tell me that Gion aint that succulent.

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Air carillion (48 degree bath), 3 ofuros with basic jets, showers, small lounge, really friendly staff.  Closed Mondays.
Bath Heat/10	10
Sauna heat/10	0 (NA)
Spatial aesthetic/5	3
Quality of Chit chat/5	5 (I’m counting the manager in this one)
Variety of bath types/10	4
Quality of rotenburo /10	0 (NA)
Mizuburo/10	0 (NA)
Lighting /10	5
Cost to value /5	4 (450, standard)
Accessibility /5	5 ( it’s my local, for now.  This might be an unfair way of judging things, but life is unfair)
Little extras /10	6
Overall feeling /10	9
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	51

 

51.  But I’m telling you the place is succulent damn it.  

Incidentally, Gion is a small town in Kyoko famous for geisha, makis and drinking establishments (in a nutshell).  The area around Gionyu is Gioncho, although my host father cannot figure out why.  I’ll leave that for someone else to worry about.

Gionyu

http://www.gionyu.com/

5-26 Kizukigioncho, Nakahara Ward, Kawasaki, Kanagawa, Japan ‎

住所：神奈川県川崎市中原区木月祗園町5-26

 

 

 

 

 

Name I Don’t Know Yu: Yoyogi-Uehara, Shibuya.

Sometimes, when I walk out of a train station into a new neighbourhood filled with a high density of laundries, 100 yen shops and too many bakeries, my sento senses go into overdrive.  Such is the case with Inadatsuzumi, one of the interchange stops on my way to work.  I walked around that area for about 30 minutes searching for the ‘yu’ in clear defiance of local advice that there wasn’t one within 2 hours.  I gave up after not being able to find the police, my aforementioned senses in a state of disrepute.  Sometimes, however, I get very lucky. And in the case of The Sento With No Name, I manage to strike gold.

It had been a lovely afternoon of walking off a hangover, visiting Kaldi and finding awesome and not so awesome bakeries alike.  On one of my whims I asked a random merchant if there was a sento in the area.  She pointed around the corner and within minutes I found myself walking through a laundromat, past my favourite letter of the Japanese alphabet and  out of my shoes. I asked the standard questions – day of rest, have mizuboro, got sauna, closing time- and promised that I’d be back.

It wasn’t until my second visit here, though, that I realised how incredibly unique this place is.  For starters, there is no tv in the sauna.  Instead, you will find a whole bunch of men reading manga.  It’s a very quiet vibe in there with the cracking of the sauna (yes, it’s electric, not gas) and the turning of pages.  Moreover, the chat here is very good.  Finest chat in the land so far.  I had a very lengthy chinwag with a man (and eventually, his translator) about a sento in Shinjuku with a salt sauna and ‘black oil’. Back then, I had no idea what this meant.

Furthermore, there is a separate bathing area for the mizuboru.  Which also has a shower above it, so you can cold shower whilst in the plunge bath.  This room is often empty, and I truly skullfucked myself in here the last time I was here by staying in the plunge pool for well over 5 minutes.  With my eyes doing backflips, the room had a very “enter the void” kind of quality. I say that with the highest level of subjectivity,  but in the silence, lighting and particulars of this situation, I had a mindnumbingly pleasant ‘welcome to Japan’ kind of moment. It was quiet beyond quiet, you know, ‘the sound of blood rushing’ kinda quiet.

The piece de resistance, however, is what can only be referred to as the ‘chill out’ lounge.  Three or four sofas, room decorated in a multitude of sumo and athletic promotional material, some extremely outdated exercise machines, more magazines and manga… I can tell this place has some pretty interesting history, like it used to be a boxing or sumo sento.  So what you end up with is a bunch of dudes sitting round naked on yellow towels reading magazines or, in the case of the Norde I met, reciting a speech.  I followed suit and began planning some lessons.  Another fella began doing weights, bearing in mind the room is about 3 by 3 metres.    It’s all going on at the Sento With No Name.

The other nice touch with this place is that they place Japanese music from the 50s and 60s while you’re in there.  It’s only just audible, which is probably what you want.  Whilst sitting in the normal ofuro- which, to remind you, are damn hot in a “I can’t believe it’s only 41 degrees’ kind of way- you can also see the tv in the changeroom.  A damn feast of the senses if what we have going on here. Well, not quite.   But damn recreational and leisurely, that’s for sure.

Let’s have a look at the Board of Sento Succulence:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Sauna, mizuboro, Denkiburo, 3 ofuro (basic jets), loungeroom.
Bath Heat/10	8
Sauna heat/10	8 (90 degrees)
Spatial aesthetic/5	5
Quality of Chit chat/5	5
Variety of bath types/10	6
Quality of rotenburo /10	0 (NA).
Mizuburo/10	9
Lighting /10	8
Cost to value /5	5 (standard 450)
Accessibility /5	2 (Yoyogi uehara is not close to me at all, but I have traversed town late at night. That’s how good it is)
Little extras /10	9
Overall feeling /10	10
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	76

76 degrees.  That’s pretty damn good for a sento without a rotenburo.

And yet, I forgot to find out the name of the sento, and I haven’t been back there since.  So all I can offer you is this:

 

It’s somewhere near there.

Enjoy.

 

P.S This was the place that gave me the idea for opening a sento called Chinatown. As in, Polanki’s Chinatown.  Jerry Goldsmith’s soundtrack, filled with regret, nostalgia and doomed hope, would be the perfect accompaniment for soaking. Well, my kind of soaking anyway.

P.P.S.  I am probably well out of line with that “Enter the Void’ call. But that just testifies to how much I like this place.

 

Old dog, new sticks: Jyoumon no Yu, Saiwa Prefecture, Kawasaki.

Once upon a time I found a bar in Shibuya at 6am that had a wall made of records.  That was a long night.  Coming home at about 10am, I was greeted by a 10 year old’s question: “Bastu Bennett, can we go to the onsen?” (ok, so he didn’t use that name).  Obama is in town this week, and I do believe my answer will always be

‘Yes, yes we can’.

Jyoumon no Yu does not advertise itself as a spiritual place, well, at least not via google translate.  I dare say that would and should, because this place has some very, very fulfilling properties.  Oh wait….. I’m clearly talking bollocks. The website definitely does this.  And I really should start translating the name of the onsens. For example, I mentioned to a pal that this onsen had a very old feeling.  Then I find out the Jyoumon refers to 3000-12000 BC.  Nice work Bennett, you’re really on top of things.

Yes, this place has an eye for detail.  Before entry there is the smell of smoke, and as the saying goes, where there’s smoke….  Lots of dark wooden flavours round here.  All class, all the time.  The onsen floor has been ribbed (using a rope, apparently) to allow for mild foot acupuncture.  I love this shit.  The walls of the mizuburo are paved with pebbles.  The spacious indoor ofuro has a very large tree trunk in it, which is great for leaning against.  Would not be surprised if this is forbidden though, given that this attests to some historical power.   Lovely 2-3 person bucket bath as well.  But the piece de resistance is clearly the single rotenburo, which has various logs strewn across the way, lots of reeds…. you most certainly do feel that your are in some kind of preternatural swamp, albeit a very silky brown one maintained at about 41 degrees.  Strangely, this rotenburo felt more deeply natural than some of the baths up in Akita, which does not really compute given that Jyoumon is based in suburbia.  Still, not a bad place to play hide and seek with a locker key as well, as it turns out.  I was only there for 2 hours, but what  a 2 hours. I have a slight impression I may have missed some things.

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Sauna, rotenburo, mizuburo, very open ofuro, bucket bath, restaurant… and probably some other things.
Bath Heat/10	8
Sauna heat/10	8 (90 degrees)
Spatial aesthetic/5	5
Quality of Chit chat/5	3
Variety of bath types/10	6
Quality of rotenburo /10	10.
Mizuburo/10	7
Lighting /10	10. Should be in the picture dictionary for ‘ambient’.
Cost to value /5	3 (1200 or so)
Accessibility /5	2 (although apparently only a 7 min walk from Yako Station)
Little extras /10	7
Overall feeling /10	8
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	77

Unlike most onsen, Jyoumon has a really nice website.  So pictures will be found there.

Jomon natural hot spring
Zhi Rakunoyu 
〒 212-0024 Kanagawa Prefecture, Saiwai-ku, Kawasaki-shi TSUKAGOSHI 4-314-1 
toll-free 0120-650-711
http://www.shiraku.jp/index.html

I mean, look at that…. toll free number?!?  What a classy bunch of guys.

 

When Virgins Act Like Sirens: Jindaki Onsen Yukari, Chofu

I’m going to make this extremely short and probably not so sweet.

Jindaki Onsen Yukari was a great disappointment and a little bit confusing. Then it got promising, and then it disappointed me again.

Numerous reviews had lead to believe that this place had a minus 2 degree “sauna” and a very new-age feel (read: at least the lighting will be good).  Not only did this onsen not have such a sauna, but the lighting at this place was just effing terrible.  The 4 or so rotenburos outside had floodlights facing them in the most heinous of ways.  And what they were trying to achieve with the red lights in the cave bath is a real mystery to me.

Having said that, I feel that this place would be infinitely better during the day. I’m a man who likes to focus on the positives so I’ll say this: the steamroom was very, very nice, operating at a surprisingly pleasant 60 degrees and featuring a very strange steaming sand pit.  The mizuboro, at a cool 18 degrees and long enough for a full underwater plank, really hit the spot and I truly messed myself up on this one.  The bucket bath was a really damn nice place to read a book with your legs swinging over the side (I still don’t know what the general consensus is on reading in the onsen/sento.  I’m not going to ask, because my current theory is that if you don’t ask you won’t be told it’s forbidden).

There was a really nice 3 seater bath inside a glass gazebo, in which I met a really nice fella who ran a school in Thailand and who alerted me to other nearby onsens that DID have a minus sauna.  I gave him my email and awaited the information.

Amateur mistake. I haven’t heard from him.

The search goes on.

Let’s give this bastard a rating:

THE SCOREBOARD OF SENTO SUCCULENCE
Features:	Steamrom, cave bath, bucket bath, 3 rotenburo including one in a glass gazebo, one indoor bath.Restaurants, sleeping room, massage area (nb: many have this. Don’t know why I’m starting to mention it now)
Bath Heat/10	7
Sauna heat/10	6 (60 degrees)
Spatial aesthetic/5	2
Quality of Chit chat/5	4
Variety of bath types/10	5
Quality of rotenburo /10	5
Mizuburo/10	9
Lighting /10	3
Cost to value /5	2 (1650 yen, 1200 after 6)
Accessibility /5	3 (nice shuttle bus from Chofu station, or a pleasant 45 min walk with an Asahi as company)
Little extras /10	6
Overall feeling /10	5
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	57

Yep. 57.

I’ve scanned so many reviews of this place because I keep reading different things. I just read one from 2009 and that talked about having a bath up high in the trees.  Well I’ll be jiggered.  Most of the reviews I’ve written feel like they’re written by onsen virgins.  Matter of fact, I heard several cherries praise Yukari on the night that I was there.

Yep, like I said, amateur hour.

Jindaji Onsen Yukari

東洋整体 深大寺温泉ゆかり店

2 Chome-12-2 Jindaiji Motomachi

Chōfu, Tokyo 182-0017

You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars?: Controversy at the Ascotvale YMCA

I heard it on the grapevine that Ascotvale YMCA has two saunas. Not one steamroom and one sauna:  two (yes, 2) saunas. I subsequently discovered that they are open until 11, thereby giving my overworked chef flatmate and I hope for late night sweat sessions without having to venture down to the f’bunkers of Collingwood.  However, when I called up to check their temperatures (call it a hunch) I was informed that one is maintained at 65 degrees.  “What about the hotter one?” I asked.  “The other sauna is maintained at 55 degrees”…    I thought that I had better go investigate, as a joint having 2 saunas but maintaining them at such low temperatures is something we in the business like to refer to as “a paradox of the hammer bag variety”. And, as when faced with a complete double rainbow, one has to ask oneself: “what does this mean???”

Hang on. Step back: when was the last time you watched this?  Let’s all just pump our brakes for 3 minutes and actually thank baby jesus and youtube for making our lives that little bit brighter……….Oh yeah, what a guy.  Wouldn’t mind having a soak with him….

So…. a  20 minute drive from my house on a wet Friday night and only a minor case of misdirection and, boom, it was cookin’ time.  The fella at the counter made a damn fine first impression when he pretty much waived me through without showing my YMCA card.  The centre itself was rather empty and as such had a noticeably cold and corporate vibe so I wasted no time in beelining for the spacious changerooms and their doublebanger sweatbox.

I stepped into the empty sauna on the left, unsure as to what awaited.  As soon as I closed the door I was slapped in the face by the heat. ‘This ain’t no 65 degree cry baby right here’ I thought to myself.  I approached the Tylo thermometer and, sure enough, this lil’ cracker was running at a smooth 90 degrees. I popped myself up on the top of 3 shelves…. that’s right, I’m top shelf material.  “Oh thankyou baby jesus” I whispered to myself, kicking back like a horse with a score to settle.  Mood lighting was the call of the day, I had the room to myself so I went to town with the water on the rocks and, dare I say (I do), this sweatbox felt hotter than Northcote.

Whoah whoah whoah (that’s horse talk for slow down)….” hotter than Northcote”…. I was thinking some bold thoughts right here.  I got talking to a slightly racist New Zealander who informed me that these saunas are “usually packed…. with Asians” but that it was rather quiet tonight.  She also told me that it typically wasn’t this hot, so maybe I got lucky with the temperature on this day.  I couldn’t keep it up more than 10 minutes in there, so I popped out for some freedom.

Here is where Ascotvale kinda lets you down. First, you don’t have access to outside air.  The walk back to the initial entrance is an absolute pilgrimage, so you can count that out right there. The showers are ok, but not great.  Most importantly, there is a disturbing lack of reclining pool side chairs and benches, meaning that I had to scramble for some kind of lie-down space in which I could count my heartbeat back to 130bpm.  And the atmosphere of the areas surrounding the 25m lap feels like a children’s birthday party has just been cancelled there. It’s a bit of a killjoy and something of a humdinger of a situation.

I popped back  in for another round.  Now what I should mention at this point is that the two saunas are in fact linked by a door between the two. A windowed door. Which means that you could change temperatures without having to re-enter the big bad outside world. More importantly, it also means that whilst you sweat in one sauna you can see how the other half live in the adjoining sweatbox, thereby turning this experience into some kind of peep show. Yet it wasn’t until my third round that I actually sampled the other.  Naturally, the first thing I did upon entry was inspect the thermometer: 70 degrees. You know it.  I sat round for a bit and did some solid eavesdropping into conversations about smoking bans across the world  I would not be surprised if chat is one thing Ascotvale does right, with its heady intercultural blend of Melbourne’s western suburbs. My week had been a bit of a bender so I couldn’t stick round for further analysis.\

Just for shits and giggles, I even gave the spa a crack with a copy of John Dies At The End.  Good spa but, truth be told, I don’t think I have the vocabulary nor the perspicacity to start tipping you off the good spas/jacuzis of Melbourne. Or, more likely, that would be a very short list indeed.

I really do wonder what the board will tell me:

The Heat/15	14
Spatial aesthetic/5	5
Quality of Chit chat/10	8
Ability and efficacy of water on rocks /10	9
Quality of fresh air access /10	0
Cool down/10	4
Lighting /10	9
Cost to value /5	3
Accessibility /5	3
Little extras /10	6
Overall feeling /10	8
OVERALL PROXIMITY TO BOILING POINT/100	69

69 degrees.  I wonder if Board of Bastu Justice can’t reflect the true nature of this controversial  situation. High temperature and late hours confounded by a shitty atmosphere, members-only lockers, an expensive casual visit price of $13 and very few trimmings. I guess I’ll just have to go back there to get a second opinion of this very confusing establishment.

Ascot Vale Leisure Centre

Langs Rd, Ascot Vale VIC 3032 ‎

(03) 9375 3411 ‎ ·
ascotvale.ymca.org.au